September 22, 2014

You know that feeling you get when your driving home after a dinner party with friends, reliving all the fun stories that where said and good vibes that were flowing due to being surrounded by good friends and feel-good music? I wish I knew how that felt. It makes me a little sad that I just seem to be unable to enjoy myself during and after hanging out with my friends. Maybe it's mainly due to being so self-conscious that I'm constantly trying to remind my self to suck in my stomach or being too aware of how many spoonfuls of rice I'm dishing onto my plate, because obviously everyone will be judging my body size to food intake ratio (paranoid much?). I wish i didn't think this way, it really does make it incredibly hard to enjoy myself in situations that should be the highlights of my 20's, moments I should look back on and smile about the good times. Sometimes I wonder if it's my insecurity about how I look that holds me back in social situations or if it's actually just who I am, and if I weighed 30kgs less... would I be the same? It's honestly the worst way to live your life, in constant fear of judgement. Maybe one day when I'm happy and love myself everything will just fall into place... fingers crossed.

September 20, 2014

There seems to be a universal rule of thumb to never read too much into what you see in a fitting room mirror when trying something on. Most fitting rooms have awkward mirrors and poor lighting that highlight all your imperfections and insecurities. Try adding 30+kgs into that fitting room mirror and you've got yourself the most depressing 'retail therapy' ever. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've needed a break and decided a little shopping spree would be just what I needed to clear my head, and ended up leaving feeling worse then I did when I got there. As a girl who weighs far more then she would like to admit, finding cute clothes in a trendy store that fit and flatter my body type is hard enough, but what I've recently discovered on my latest hunt for new clothes is far more upsetting then all those hours wasted shifting through racks with a glimmer of hope that I'll spot the odd XL size tag amongst the sea of small.

By now I'm used to that pit-in-stomach feeling when you've finally gathered a decent armful of clothing in your size range only to reach the fitting room's unable to pull any of them over your McChicken Chest, but lately I've noticed getting into the fitting rooms have proved to be the 'will it fit?' struggle before the clothes even leave their hangers! Now, I'm definitely not saying this about every store - a lot of cute stores these days do cater to the larger girls with sizes up to 18 and big fitting rooms with curtain doors, but some are just borderline size-discriminative.
One of my biggest pet-peeves when shopping for clothing is reaching the fitting rooms to find all the doors locked, and having to wave down the sales girl - who is generally busy serving customers at the register - to come and open a door for you. I understand a lot of stores use this technique to prevent theft, and the particular one I'm thinking of probably needs this more then others as they seem to be a target for rebellious teenage girls, but when the sales girl finally notices you need the fitting rooms unlocked, not only do you then have to endure the judgement as she scans over what you've chosen, no doubt thinking 'hah there's no way that's going to work for you' (this is probably just my anxiety after years of bad fitting room experiences) but once the room is unlocked and ready for the sizing games to begin, first you have to actually get into the fitting room! If you're a store that only sells sizes 6-8 and nothing higher then ok, have fitting rooms as small as the tiny people that will be using them, but if you sell clothing upwards of XL how do you expect a girl who will be buying these clothes to try them on when they can hardly get through the fitting room door?

I spend most of my time shopping online now because sometimes my shopping centre nightmares just leave me in such an awful mood and feeling so terrible about myself that new things just aren't worth the pain to get them.

September 10, 2014

Hello, welcome to my new and improved blog - The Fat Diaries

I've been working on getting this bad boy up and running for quite some time now, and I finally had a chance to sit down and get all the nitty-gritty done so I can finally start doing the fun stuff!

So this space is basically my little diary nestled amongst the world wide web. Here I will keep my food diaries (when I remember to write them down), track my exercise, post my inspiration and just talk about everything and anything. I will try and keep most of the content health and fitness related, but sometimes a girl just needs to get weight off her mind as well as her body - so bare with me.

I, like many others around the world, love the idea of being the girl who wakes up before the sun to pound the pavement, followed by a breakfast of fresh fruit and greek yogurt - unfortunately I just don't have the willpower or strength yet to get myself up and moving when my body is screaming for sleep so i'm just taking things slow for now. I'd love to hear your stories, advise, motivation or just your thoughts on life, so please feel free to leave comments or contact me whenever, you can never have too many shoulders - virtual or real - to lean on when it comes to losing weight.

(Please note: most photos I post on here have come from tumblr or varies other places around the web, and have only been taken by me if stated.)