You know that feeling you get when your driving home after a dinner party with friends, reliving all the fun stories that where said and good vibes that were flowing due to being surrounded by good friends and feel-good music? I wish I knew how that felt. It makes me a little sad that I just seem to be unable to enjoy myself during and after hanging out with my friends. Maybe it's mainly due to being so self-conscious that I'm constantly trying to remind my self to suck in my stomach or being too aware of how many spoonfuls of rice I'm dishing onto my plate, because obviously everyone will be judging my body size to food intake ratio (paranoid much?). I wish i didn't think this way, it really does make it incredibly hard to enjoy myself in situations that should be the highlights of my 20's, moments I should look back on and smile about the good times. Sometimes I wonder if it's my insecurity about how I look that holds me back in social situations or if it's actually just who I am, and if I weighed 30kgs less... would I be the same? It's honestly the worst way to live your life, in constant fear of judgement. Maybe one day when I'm happy and love myself everything will just fall into place... fingers crossed.
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